Sunday, October 02, 2005

What would you have backstage?

I stumbled into a collection of artists' performance riders at The Smoking Gun, and it is by far the funniest, most interesting stuff I've seen on that site. Quick roundup:

There's a lot of booze and beer, yes, but almost everyone has Gatorade.

There are brands of non-alcoholic beer BESIDES O'Douls and Sharps? (The Monkees)

Def Leppard seems awfully regimented. And somehow I can picture "VID SUTHERLAND" in my head -- bald, mustache, thin sideburns, sunglasses, perhaps prone to riding a motorcycle backstage.

The jokes are obvious on the Ashlee Simpson rider, but I like the gentle teasing of her sound crew.

I also must find out what a "tactile transducer" is.

Of course, she and her band eat like they're in high school.

What weighs 68,500 pounds? KISS and their gear, including a 50-foot-high rigging to "fly" Paul Stanley to the front of the house.

The Pixies don't need that type of rig, but please provide a NEW deck of cards. And after dinner, it's time for "desert."

After reading a bunch of demands from whiny vegans, I gained a bit of respect for Creed's anti-tofu stand.

How does Cowboy Junkies lead singer Margo Timmins stay so thin drinking non-diet soda and whole milk?

From the "ewwww" department, though I'll give them points for reading the paper.

And a classic from Guns 'N Roses, where Axl needs his Wonder bread and Dom Perignon (silly Axl -- you're supposed to serve Korbel with Wonder bread) and the band is happy with its "assortment of adult magazines."

I always wanted to be a rock star, and I'm reaching the point in my life where it's safe to say it won't happen. But here's a look at what might've been ... things I would've included on my performance rider:
  • Rye toast
  • My very specific kind of orange juice -- enriched with calcium and vitamin D, no pulp. Actually, anything with no pulp, since store's supplies of the calcium/vitamin D Minute Maid can be erratic.
  • Please don't call me by my real name.
  • Access to a swingset. OK, that's optional.
  • Pizza, one night a week only. Pepperoni.
  • Burger night, one night a week.
  • Two short words, one hyphen: Wi-fi. Secure.
  • Sure, I'll have some Gatorade.
  • No tofu, no mushrooms. No mayo on my sandwiches. No peanut butter on my chocolate.
  • Yellow bananas.
  • Hotel must not be too fancy.
  • Backstage crew not allowed to wear Yankees caps.
  • And finally -- North Carolina venues must serve barbecue.

10 comments:

Eric Stratton said...

Ok Preston Kendrick, I'll just holler Bo when I need ya. Bet you can't wait for roundball to start .
Hey , VMI, they have female defensive tackles but the Dookies put it to them. Took no prisoners.
Blue Devils rule.

bdure said...

Damn glad to meet you.

Should I recognize you, or are you just good at Googling?

Eric Stratton said...

Beau,

I know a sports editor in NC about your age who just paid $250.00 big one for tics to the Stones concert in Charlotte. If you are there you may spot him. He will be wearing a UNC 2005 Mens Basketball National Championship T shirt and hat. I gotta miss it my self. Now if if it was Otis Day and The Knights , that would be a different story.

Otter

bdure said...

OK, Mrs. MMM and I are going to guess that Eric Stratton is the author of a book about Bruce Arena. Right?

bdure said...

Second guess -- someone who works in a giant glass building near the Beltway and is familiar with the work of Hayseed Dixie.

Eric Stratton said...

Sorry for being mysterioous so here is a clue to me true identity.

http://www.zod2008.com

Eric Stratton said...

BTW: Never been near Deer Lick Holler. I do appreciate The Steep Canyon Rangers, though.

Eric Stratton said...

Give up ?

bdure said...

dB?

Eric Stratton said...

D.B. Cooper ? No, he is deader than old man Kelsy's nuts.